I Know You Don’t Love Me

My greatest fear is…
Hmmmm

What would you reckon, knowing me?
Heights and small spaces?
I really don’t much care for either.
I have a number of friends who have agoraphobia and I can relate to their fears too.

A lot of people’s greatest fear is dying alone.
I don’t think I want to do that but it isn’t something that keeps me awake nights.
 I ‘m honestly more afraid of living alone –  being alone without my friends and family.
I don’t know how the hell it would happen that suddenly I would be living on my own because most of the time I live with far too many people.
But I know I wouldn’t like it.
I figure I must have fear of failure because I’m a ridiculous over achiever.
The only thing I ever failed was my Canadian driver’s license, which is notoriously easy to do.
[ask anyone. It’s TRUE]
It’s so easy that I frikken failed the fucking thing twice. I cried for days.
I got no sympathy.
Everyone thought it was the most perfect comeuppance ever and it’s still cause for great hilarity.
Screw them all.

I’ve got a bit of a cancer thing. That’s a definite fear.
I have every test known to medicine-kind as often as they’ll let me.
It’s pretty cool living in Canada because I don’t have to pay for the tests, x-rays and stuff…they’re all part of the fabulous socialist package over here.
Frikken A!

My greatest fear though, is fear of not being loved. There. I said it.

I’m pathetic. I love being loved and I hate rejection. [sigh]

[What did I do? What did I say? Why don’t you love me anymore?]


I catch myself being a fear-of-not-being-loved sadass all the time.
Many times a day.
This fear of not being loved exists. It just does and I can’t help it.
I’ve got it.
It makes me sensitive sometimes.
And I hate that.
It makes me high maintenance sometimes
Everyone hates that.

The thing is, when people DO love me I am so surprised and shocked
Really.

Because I don’t feel that I deserve peoples love and affection.
I don’t warrant it. I am not good enough and I can’t live up to it.

That’s the self-talk. That’s what’s in THERE. [sigh]

Truthfully, I am blessed.
I have an amazing number of really close friends all over the world – people I would take a bullet for (and vice versa).
My phone rings constantly and I have RSS from texting.

I love entertaining and going to parties.

Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for your friendship.
Thank you for helping me with my fear EVERY DAY

If my fear has caused you consternation through being a sad clingy high maintenance whining monster I am really really really sorry.

Really.

I love you all.
I hope you feel it
Do you?
Now is your chance to say really nice things about how fabulous I am and how much you love me

[errr, that is if any one of the 60 or so people that read this darn thing would just say SOMETHING….]


4 thoughts on “I Know You Don’t Love Me

  1. I think this is something we all feel deep down. We all want to be loved and paid attention to. Most importantly though we must remember that we all deserve this love and affection, don’t forget that! Peace.

    Like

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